I Surfed... I Think

This is just a quick short post to satiate you while I create a few longer posts that I will write covering the time Mari has spent here. As the title suggests, this one is about me surfing (or at least trying to).

Mari and I spent last weekend in Byron Bay doing many touristy things including surfing. Being from California, Mari has spent some time on a surf board and has the basic idea of what to do when that wave comes along. So I saw this as an opportunity for her to show me up yet again. And I was right.

We signed up with a company called Black Dog Surf School that actually had a dog that surfed. His name is George and he hangs out in the companies office most of the day. He has not really mastered the concept of facing the right way, but he does get on the board and surf.

We started with a few stretches (thankfully sans camera) and a few drills about foot placement and how to stand up on the board when the wave takes us... then we were in the water. For some reason the instructors thought that Mari and I should be the first two to embarrass ourselves... I was the only one to do that successfully.

It was slow going for the first few tries. I was able to stand up, but it just felt like I was standing on a board in the ocean... not really surfing. But then the instructors pushed me into some bigger waves and I finally felt like I was actually surfing. For some reason I was never able to wipe this dumb look off my face. Every picture of me, I look like I am looking at a horribly disturbing scene... but from a long ways away. So it is a bit of "squinting disgust".

On my last "surf" the fins on the board ran aground on the beach and I decided I would just step off the board instead of fall off like I had been doing all day. That turned out to be a mistake. My impossibly weak knee gave out from under me, I heard it pop, and there was quite a bit of pain that caused me to swear loudly at a crowded family beach. Thankfully it seems that I just sprained my knee, but it still put a damper on the day, since we had to change our plans.

If any of you super intelligent people want to make robotic knees, know that I am a willing guinea pig just as long as I get to keep a working pair.

That is all for this short and quick update. I will do another post soon to let you know all of the fun we got into while Mari visited from Japan. In the mean time, here is another picture of us surfing... notice my complete lack of form resulting in me falling to the back of the wave (like I said, "I think I surfed"). While Mari is making me look like a fool that is confused by the large body of water that just happened to be under me (Why am I wet? And what is that smell?).

Chat soon. Enjoy

Things I Have Learned About People via Social Media Part 2

Edit: I have recently come across this and I agree with all of it. I hope it brought a smile to your face and you enjoyed my late blog post. I will have a new post of soon!

Edit 2: I received this message today while at work. This is a PERFECT example of Lesson 3.

If you can't read the text, the guy who sent the message is claiming that he is in the picture he attached to the message. He is asking us to take it down because he does not want others to see him in it. The picture thumbnail is the entirety of the picture... So he is either claiming that he is one of the snakes or the faceless torso and hands holding the snakes. Also, this is a picture that was taken by one of the photographers at the company, and consent forms have been signed for all people photographed... so it is not him. Man I love the internet.

Lesson 6: Sailors have cleaner mouths than most of you- If I went ten minutes without reading a swear word of any sort, I think I would have a mental break down. I don't think people know those words are optional and rarely strengthen the point you are trying to make. I even have a filter set on the company page to instantly hide all posts with swear words in it, but if you refer back to Lesson 1 (People are dumb), you will remember that these moronic barely evolved monkeys can't spell. So I get to comb through their stupidity and hide comments like "fcuk", "asss", "biches" etc...

Lesson 7: If it is not happening to them, it is not happening to anyone- Also seen as, "I didn't see/hear/know about it before you, it is fake". This goes back to Lesson 3. If the FB page posts about a heat wave in X city, I can guarantee you someone in Y city will post saying something along the lines of "That's not happening here, what is this sh*t. Why don't you find something that is actually happening". Even if a referenced account is verified, people instantly call out FAKE at the top of their lungs. As if I took precious time out of my day to doctor some D-list celebrities twitter post for the sake of click though stats. Don't... just stop.

Lesson 8: They think you care if they unfollow you- I am managing a page that has over 60,000 likes (while not massive, it is comparatively big). On average, there are 70 unlikes and 500 new likes per day. Around 50 of those unlikes feel it is their obligation to inform me they are unliking the page. Most of the time with no reasoning. Just a simple message or post saying "I've had enough... UNLIKE!". Sorry to burst your bubble princess, but I don't care. The internet is a free place; like, unlike, favorite, report, post, friend, unfriend whoever and whatever you want. That is the joy of this lawless wild west that is the internet. By informing me of your departure, do you think I am suddenly going to change everything and come to you hat in hand begging for you to come back to me? Not a chance. Click the button and move on, we don't care to hear your pity party as you sulk out of the room.

Lesson 9: Animals and storms rule the internet- We all know cats are the official mascot of the internet, but there seems to be a changing of the guard taking place. I am amazed at how well posts do when there is an animal, or a picture of a storm cloud/lightning. Now this maybe something that is specific to Australia or Queensland or even Brisbane, but the reach and engagement that I see with animal or storm pictures is unreal. Not complaining in the least, just surprises me that something so commonplace draws so much attention, and holds attention for so long.

Lesson 10: People are good- I know I said they were dumb back in Lesson 1, they swear like drunken angry sailors in Lesson 6, and they are self-important in Lesson 3, but as a whole they are good. They respond to posts in encouraging manners. They stand up for people that are being victimised or bullied. Over all, people on social media are encouraging challenging conversation and progressing the human psyche. So thank you all for being a part of that and thank you for allowing me to pursue a "job" like "Social Media Manager". I hate/love dealing with you people and I have learned so much about the way we act in public, private, and where we think is private.

I hope you enjoyed the lessons that I have learned. I also hope that you regularly take into consideration the person that is sitting on the other end of the magic internet tubes that is reading all of the posts, comments, and messages. Remember that majority of the time they have nothing to do with any of the operations of the company and are simply being paid to increase brand awareness and customer engagement.

I will be back to my regular...ish blogs soon, where I will update you will all the new happenings on the other side of the world. Enjoy!

Things I Have Learned About People via Social Media Part 1

We ALL use it EVERYDAY. You would think that everyone would begin to follow some "best practices" when it comes to interacting with strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family in the "cyber world". But after spending a few months at a major news outlet in Australia working as a "Social Media Manager", I have learned some important lessons about my fellow... Man... if I dare even group myself into the same genetic category as some of these people.

Here are the first five lessons I have learned while interacting with strangers on the Internet. Enjoy!

Lesson 1: People are dumb- I mean really dumb. I picture some of the users eating paste while pondering if  the "W" key and the "M" key are mistakes, or are there on purpose. Yet despite their continually plummeting IQ score, they still manage to slam their cheeto dust covered sausage fingers into the keyboard long enough to compose a string of words that resembles a sentence. Which I then have to decipher, only to realize that they are high on the glue they have been suckling on all day.

Lesson 2: People are lazy- Much of my "job" is posting an eye catching headline to draw you to click on the link at the end of the headline. I am blown away how many people will take the time to post or reply and ask what the actual story was about because they didn't want to read the story. Listen sweetheart, I am not your nanny, I don't read you a bed time story, fold your clothes, or summarize your news stories. Put on your big boy/girl pants and inform yourself.

Lesson 3: People think they are The Most important person to follow any account- I can not tell you how many messages I have received saying "Hey (Account), There's something about this picture/post/comment that bothers me, can you remove it". Oh, I'm sorry! The picture of a small child in a pool with an attached story about children's swim lessons bothered you! Since you don't like happy children frolicking or the important mission of teaching children to swim, I will take it down this instant. You are our most important follower and we would not dare lose you over a happy heartwarming picture.

Lesson 4: No one reads previous comments- So this is a bit of a reach, as common sense would dictate that those who read previous comments don't post redundant comments. But I am still amazed at how many IDENTICAL comments I see on stories. One after another after another. It is as if no one has any idea how a conversation works. Person A speaks, Person B listens and reacts to Person A. It is like everyone is playing that obnoxious repeating game that we used to play as kids. "Hey", "Hey", "What are you doing?", "What are you doing?", "Are you repeating everything I say?", "Are you repeating everything I say?"... Cool story dude, you are wasting everyone's time and you are about as funny as a small child in a wheelchair struggling to wheel up an inclined ramp.

Lesson 5: The Like, Share, and Comment Buttons scare the hell out of most people- Well except for the older generations. Parents and Grandparents have an obsession with clicking... ALL of these buttons. They see a post about cupcakes... SHARE WITH EVERYONE! Picture of child/grandchild partaking in something that their generation didn't believe in... PUBLICLY SHAME! News story about cell phones... I DON'T UNDERSTAND! It is as if the buttons are small children's chubby virgin cheeks that are crying out to be pinched. With that being said, Grandma, I love all of your posts and emails, keep up the good work. I am simply referring to grandparents of other people.

Part 2 will be coming out shortly. Leave a comment and let me know what lessons you have learned while interacting with strangers on the Internet.

Christmas, New Years... and Heat?!

I figured you all were itching for another riveting update from the expat down under. I am happy to oblige. Let's start with the most recent major holiday I missed. Christmas comes but once a year, as that old song (and animated short) says, and this year I spent it without any family. Well that is not entirely true. I spent it with Alan and Danielle and their three daughters, part of the Ferno family. When I realized I would be spending this festive holiday season with four (five if you include the dog) girls, I was instantly paralyzed with gifting fear. I had no idea what to get them. To this day I have yet to pick out a gift for my younger sister for Christmas. My mom always comes to me the night before and says, "I have this for you to give to your sister, it is already wrapped, just put your name on it". So logically, I called the women in my life and told them to find something and send it over to me. They settled on Culver shirts for the kids and a scarf for mom. Dad was easy to shop for, mini keg of beer in a bag, and I am done. The girls were ecstatic to get rowing shirts from a different school, and dad was more than happy to tap the mini and get to drinking. They were generous enough to gift me a lovely "Beers of the World" package, which were enjoyed over the next week.

And now for something completely different... Back in November, I heard about some YouTubers coming to visit Brisbane for a meet and greet. I have been watching some of their videos for about a year and figured... I have nothing better to do this Sunday, let's go wait in a line with young girls to meet famous internet people. So that is exactly what I did.
As I was waiting in line listing to a bit of music (standing to stretch my old man legs) with everyone sitting down around me, a security guard approached me signalled for me to come over. I took off my head phones to hear what he had to say. Our conversation went almost exactly like this, SG-"Some committed parents no?" Me-"Yeah, pretty crazy." SG-"You know parents can wait over in the cafe while the kids wait in line." Me-"That's convenient." SG-"So, you can go over there if you want and your girls will be fine waiting here." Me-"I'm not a parent, I am here to see people from the internet."
I found it funny because the group of girls behind me was in fact older than I was. So, that was lovely to have someone think I was old enough to have children that were fully developed. Any way, I met Hannah Hart (My Drunk Kitchen), Mamrie Hart (You Deserve A Drink), and Jack Douglass (Jacksfilms).

My New Year's plans originally had me going to Byron Bay and celebrating with the Gordons. Last minute changes, had me coming back to Brisbane with no plans. So, what do you do when you have now plans? You go to the internet of course! I ended up meeting up with some Redditors and having a few roof top drinks and watching the fireworks then calling it an early night.

I watched them from a prison cell

Lastly, the weather. While you all are complaining about the snow, and the cold, and the "arctic vortex", I have been enduring the hottest January in Australia on record. I would trade places with you in an instant if we didn't have to bother with that pesky 16 hour flight business. This is no joke, I sweat simply thinking about going outside, I fall asleep spooning ice packs, and dread seeing stairs I have to ascend. Thankfully on the hottest day I was able to sneak away to a friend's pool and cool of. But as proof of the heat I was experiencing, here is a screen shot of my phone during the day. It is in Celsius, so sorry for making you do the conversion, but you will survive I am sure of it.

That's all for now folks! I think my next instalment is going to be somethings I have learned at my job. So not really an update, but hopefully it will bring a smile to your face. Until next time... 

So I moved to the other side of the world...

"Welcome to Australia!" Was the first sign I saw as I deboarded the massive 747 after haphazardly stumbling down the jet way wearing clothes that reeked of 36 hours of travel in coach. I had finally made it to the land down under... again.

I know that I promised everyone regular updates to my blog just as I have done with my previous travels. But I have let you down once more. So, here is a two month one week and five day late blog post.

I settled in quickly to the house I have been staying in. A quaint little cottage in the very eclectic suburb of West End. I spent the first two weeks sleeping on a "swag"in a furnitureless house, eating my meals while standing at the kitchen counter. Thankfully, I was dispatched with a U-haul-esk truck to pick up a mattress and furniture only a few weeks into my stay. So I am now in a house that is furnished... just in time for me to move out.

The job hunt got off to a slow start. I began by abusing every possible contact I had down here begging for an opportunity to show them how important social media was. Interview after interview, office tour after office tour, nothing seemed to be the right fit. If you are looking for a quick way to feel down about your prospects, try getting turned down for four jobs in a month and a half time. All bad things do come to an end though, one turn down turned into a reference, which turned into a week of work experience, which turned into a three month PAID internship, which could turn into a full time job.

The potential full time job in question is with the major news paper in Queensland, The Courier-Mail. I am working with their social media team, designing posts for multiple platforms and trying to increase their reach and engagement numbers. And it is quite the learning experience.

You guys came this far, here is a picture of a penguin in a Christmas tree costume

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. I had originally intended to just grab a turkey sandwich and call it a day, but at the persistent nagging of one of my newly found friends, I planned a whole dinner. I was quite a bit nervous, seeing as I had never cooked Thanksgiving dinner before. I have always been the designated bartender/wine pourer at the family gathering. But I did not have to impress anyone who had a Thanksgiving dinner before, because they were all foreigners (one German, one Mexican, and one Australian). So with the help of his culinary holiness Alton Brown, I was able to make a delicious meal. 

I have also been lucky enough to spend some time on the coast in Byron Bay with my ever so gracious housemate. The house we stayed at was beautiful and the company was even better. There was a local surf festival while we were there as well, but we really didn't make it down that far.

For the moment, I believe that is all. I do have to get ready to leave for work now. But I will do my very best to continue with regular blog updates. Feel free to comment or leave questions, I know I have left so much out, but I am happy to answer any questions you may have. Sorry for the length, I hope the pictures made it a little easier to manage. Here is one final picture. I may have left Ohio, but Ohio has not left me.

Elephant Ride in the Pink City

After Mari and I made quick work of the Taj, we loaded into the car and took a 4 hour drive to Jaipur. I had heard so much about Jaipur from the people I work with. I was told there were bazzars (small shops) everywhere. I was told you could buy bengals, fabric, jewelry, and a host of other things. While we did find some places to shop, much of our time was taken up by the tour we went on.

We arrived into Jaipur around 6pm and got checked in an settled before heading to a different hotel to meet Daniela for dinner. The following morning we woke up around 7:30 and headed down to have a little breakfast before our tour. There was a great buffet set up and the food looked great. The only reason I am mentioning the breakfast is because of one item they had out. Pancakes. Mari went crazy! They were mini pancakes and Mari was so happy. As it turns out, they don't do pancakes in Tokyo... whoda thunk it?

Daniela and the car picked us up around 8:30 and we were off on the tour. Our first stop was a huge fort called, the Amber Fort that was on top of a hill.
*Pro Tip, the B in Amber is silent

To get up to the fort, you could either take a car, walk, or take an elephant ride... I will let you guess which one Mari and I chose. For a mere 900RS (<$18) you could get a two person ride on an elephant. We boarded our elephant and slowly (and uncomfortably I might add) made our way to the top. The entire way we were bothered by hawkers and others trying to sell us worthless trinkets, but since we were a solid 10-12 feet above them it mattered little.

The view from the top (as usual) was beautiful. After taking some pictures and listening to our tour guide we made our way inside. The fort is a maze of court yards, small rooms, and even smaller passage ways. If we were not with someone who knew where to go, I can guarantee we would still be wandering around this massive fort.

All of the color on the wall in the picture is from paint that is made by crushing semi precious gems and stones and mixing them with a milky like paste. Those walls have not been repainted in over 400 years.

Once inside the fort, we wandered around and saw many different rooms before we stumbled into the "third courtyard". This area of the fort is also known as the Mirror Palace. The walls and ceilings are covered in mirrors. The mirror were small and convex shaped. When dark, and a candle held in the right spot, the whole area would light up. Really ingenious if you ask me. Across the courtyard from the mirror palace was a primitive form of air conditioning. There would be a huge wall of moss hanging over and blocking air flow into the garden area. Water was the pumped (naturally I might add) into the moss. So when the breezes came and hit the wall of moss, it would cool the air before it came into the garden area. This place would have been incredible to see in working order.

As I said before, the Amber Fort had LOTS of rooms. The Maharaja that designed the fort made the "fourth courtyard" for his wives, concubines, and mistresses. The Maharaja's room had a passageway that led to a common corridor that then branched into each of the 12+ rooms individually. The king was able to visit any one of his ladies without the others know which one it was. I can not begin to fathom how difficult it would be to keep track of it. "Damn it, I'm in Jessica's room, I meant to go to Carla's room... I guess Carla will have to wait till tomorrow".

On our way out of the fort we came across something I had been looking forward to seeing... a snake charmer! It was really cool. The guy had a couple little baskets, and once someone put their money down he took off the cover and began playing. And what do you know... there was a cobra! Our tour guide told us that if we paid 20RS (<$0.40) we could go and touch the cobra while the charmer played. None of us had the courage... even after we were told the cobra had its fangs removed. Maybe next time...

Next up, the Jal Mahal, which means the Water Palace. They are currently doing renovations on it so we were unable to actually go to the palace, but it was really pretty to see from shore. We also had a pretty decent view of it from our hotel room.

We then stopped at this fabric store that was really cool. They did something called block printing. Which consists of dipping a wood block, with a negative carving in it, into ink and pounding it onto fabric. After the demo we went into the store and did a little shopping. Mari got a custom dress made from silk with block printing on it, and I went to the custom tailored blazer and shirts. Overall a really good stop.

Next stop was the City Palace. No cameras were allowed inside of the palace, so I only have one picture of this one. There is a whole bunch of history and plenty of stories about this palace... I honestly can only remember two. The first is about a mysophobe of a king. He was so worried about his drinking water when he traveled that he made a huge urn out of silver that he took with him when he traveled. To each his own I guess. The other is about a huge king. This king four feet wide, over seven feet tall and weighed over 550 pounds. Oh, and he had 108 wives...

Our last stop in Jaipur was the Jantar Mantar. This is a collection of architectural astronomical instruments built by a king... who apparently always needed to know what time, season, and astrological sign it was at any given second. He built 14 different instruments including a sun dial (pictured below), star tracking and elipse predicting devices, and a device for individual constellations. So when your child is born, you are supposed to check this place to find their astrological sign.

Apparently the "small" sundial was not accurate enough for this king, so he had a larger one built. This one stand 90 feet tall and is the largest sundial in the world. It could actually be smaller in size, the reasoning being "The scale to which they have been built has been alleged to increase their accuracy. However, the penumbra of the sun can be as wide as 30 mm, making the 1mm increments of the Samrat Yantra sundial devoid of any practical significance."

With just a car ride back to Delhi (worst in my life), our trip was coming to an end. Once back in Delhi, I took Mari on tours I had already done and what I thought she would enjoy (Old Delhi, Lotus Temple, etc, etc). This brought us to Friday... the day Mari left. A sad day indeed, but her visit was so much fun and provided a much needed break from the monotony of the internship. 

Next up, a post on a "rain party" and a weekend trip to Chandigarh with Dinesh! Should post that tomorrow. 

Mari and I Take the Taj

AAAHHHH!!! Mari came to visit me! That is right, she took a week out of her busy REAL world life and flew to India.

After some confusion (my fault of course) I successfully picked her up from the airport and we made our way back to my flat. After a shower, a snack and a quick pep talk from me about kicking jet lag in the teeth, Mari and I went out that night to a YPO/WPO event. It was their year end event where they give out awards and have a party. It was a lot of fun, they had some famous Bollywood guy come in and sing. This of course caused all the girls to rush to the stage and fawn over him as he serenaded them. They had cuisines from four or five different nations (Mari sprinted for the Indian while I wavered around Italian and Chinese) that was absolutely superb. And to top it off, they had a top shelf open bar.

The following day, we set off to Agra, home of the Taj Mahal. It was a fairly simple three hour drive that was handled by a hired driver. Upon arriving we were talked into taking a tour of the Taj that day because apparently there was some holiday the next day and it would be impossible to see it. The tour was good, it was hotter than Hades... like I should have thrown my shirt away hot. But it was nice to see it up close and hear about the history and all that nonsense. And of course we got plenty of pictures.

The next morning we were set to take another tour of the Taj. This time a sunrise tour. Everyone I spoke to told me that it was a must, so I got that set up through the hotel and we were off. It really was worth it. If you ever get a chance to visit the Taj, please take the tour at sunrise. Even though we had to get up at 4:30am, it is so pretty and brings a whole new view to the building... also it is much cooler.

The Princess Diana bench

After the Taj we took a tour of the Agra Fort. It was built by the same guy who built the Taj, which is where he was later imprisoned by his son. Two thirds of the fort is still being used by the military and therefore off limits to civilians, but the 1/3 we were able to see was pretty cool.

The view from the old kings room. At least his son was nice enough to let him view the Taj from his prison room.

So we were told that this was known as the pleasure garden. Apparently there were naked women wandering around here and the wine was endless

This was my favorite part. This is a double mote. The first mote was filled with water and had crocs and other terrifying water animals. The second mote was filled with wild animals like lions, panthers, and other ferocious beasts. I want to have a double mote one day. I think that is the definition of success.

We finished our trip to Agra and prepared to make our way to Jaipur. That post will follow in the coming days. We had a blast in Agra and I highly recommend going if you ever have the opportunity. Also, look at this UNREAL view we had from our hotel room.

And here is Mari looking like a model in the hotel pool. Seriously, look how beautiful she is.